By Amber Johnson
Published December 16, 2023
(NYC by water, 2023)
Hello again! Amber here, only a whirlwind of weeks and months later. I’ve now settled into NYC, for about 4 months give or take a couple of days. That first marker, the 90 day time period, is always a turning point. In every place I’ve lived, I reckon that’s the time period when you have finally established a good context for your destination. You know your usual commutes, have established some routines, don’t feel quite as lost or confused by where you live, and have at least obtained a better grasp on the local culture and customs of where you’re currently planted. At this point, you are beginning to peel back the layers. That’s what I’ve been reflecting on a lot lately: those layers, especially as they pertain to your identity in such a city as this.
(Times Square, NYC, 2023)
The tourist…
Your party pops up, after a jovial journey on the train with plenty of loud and silly conversations, and stumbling like fawns learning to walk, and surface to the street level in Times Square! The skyscrapers and ads hit you in a wave of colors, while friendly and beckoning voices call out. You gaze, mouth gaping, as you take it all in. The crowds feel lively, the signs fix you right where you are in a magical city, one that needs no introduction–New York, New York! Your group finds the theatre district, engaging an artist in a small artist circle workshop, reveling in her tales of working in Broadway since age 15. Downright awe-inspiring. You fantasize about what it’d be like, if you ran in her circles, entertained audiences in those venues, followed your passions in work so diligently–in a true form of vocation. Ah, the dream! The magic! It’s all here.
(Broadway, NYC, 2023 with Retreat to Broadway organization)
It always starts full of potential, excitement and wonder. It’s a slow, or fast-paced, stumbling, a new surprise around every corner, the embodiment of brevity and adventure! In NYC, there’s so much to experience and be astounded by! The sparkling lights in Times Square, the boldness of Lady Liberty guiding past and present residents in the right direction (toward their new home), the Autumn leaves of Central Park or holiday lights of Rockefeller Plaza, the wild and fun adventures of the metro! The sights, sounds, the people–all full of life and possibility!
(A photo of me on my morning commute, for reference: NYC, 2023)
Then there’s you, head resting against the stain-obscured glass window, hands wrapped around your purple backpack, fingers clasped, arm woven through a strap as an added precaution against theft. The train screeches to a stop. You feel as if you’ve never been so tired in your life. A mariachi band enters the car, just as the doors seal. Ladies and Gentlemen, can I have your attention! You sigh. You close your eyes, unable to donate to the cause but feeling exhausted by the need to engage or express this, choosing instead to feign sleep. No wait, you are nodding off! They probably left a while back now. Which station is this? Oh, okay, you still have a bajillion left. Wait, an announcement sounds for unplanned stops. Geez, how many train delays are you going to get now! It’s already been two or three.
The train jolts to a stop, and those without a practiced sense of balance or handhold lurch forward. Doors open. You move, as if in a school of fish. Down the track, slowly filing into a line, as the throng makes its way down the two levels of steps. It’s then that the crowd parts. Some scatter, nearly running. Others pause or wander aimlessly. You weave between them all, a destination fixed in your sights. You are on autopilot. Your feet turn left, but they could go right. A miniscule variation that will save time at a later juncture. Follow the mosaics. You passed a small tiled teacup, now a running shoe. In Dreams, Begin Responsibilities floats across your vision, colored tiles and unidentified wisdoms embedded in the subway walls. Every time you pass it, the phrase strikes you anew. Moreso during a 6am commute to work. C’est la vie. (Although, I don't think I can endure such a commute beyond this year.)
Down another set of stairs, and you’re waiting again. Your body hugs a beam as a crowd is released from a freshly-arrived train. You wait, unwilling to take this potential route. You’re not that desperate, not this morning. Some days a colleague pops up out of thin air here at this station and you commiserate and laugh. Other times, you drift onto that timely 5 train alone. Although it’s almost a certainty that those you know are on it, or will join it, by the time you reach your final station. That sense of connection to all the other residents of the city is always felt during these moments. Kismet almost, the way you find paths and people here. As if led by tiny threads of fate, intertwined. End of the line, well nearly. You can relax into your seat. You always guide yourself to the same configuration, on the train, whether N or W, 5 or 2. Or God forbid, the last resort, the 4. It’s the double seat, a back to back foursome next to the windows. When the train is packed, as it often is at rush hour, being nestled into one of these nooks by the window keeps you sheltered from the sardine-packed crowds. Whether this is morning or evening, an hour and a half journey awaits you each time. It’s like time traveling. You consume books voraciously, startled often by your stop’s name being called out seemingly so abruptly. It can be a clean slate, this journey, a barrier, an in-between. And it’s never without surprises. At least now, you mostly know what types to expect.
(Daily selfie while teaching, Brooklyn, 2023)
(Field Trips with my students in Brooklyn, NYC, 2023)
After this, just a week of being an educator in NYC schools. No big deal. Easy peasy. Not. While I do love my students, working in education is a struggle. As a year of service volunteer? Even moreso. But that will be for another post. While the weekend is coming, and you’re certain you’ll do something fun and unexpected, it’s strange to recall that you’re living in such a globally acclaimed city. And what occupies most of your time is your work, commute, and home life. Forget about the city. Who’s that? She doesn’t even go here.
(The highlight of the subway commute:
Nobody gets it but my roomies, but this is the absolute best view in the city--I look up every time on the way to work and on the way home to catch this cityscape scene, j'adore;
LIC Queens in to MHTN, 2023)
Quite a different picture, huh? The contrast between the highs and lows here, the tourist energy and excitement vs. the slocal fatigue in the mundane and ennui. It’s a challenge to strike a balance. I've also noticed how much the chaos requires you to live in the present. In many ways, as I write and reflect, I remember all of the great things I have had an opportunity to experience here. But with all of that fun, you have to work for it. Through a long commute, an outrageous cost, or whatever else. Folks keep asking me how New York City is. Well, I’m still more familiar with my neighborhood of Astoria, or parts of Little Haiti where I work. So, corners of Queens and Brooklyn. But I have spent some time taking advantage of the cool parts of this city. I know the Flatiron area and random spots in MHTN, as I’ve savored the occasional random free pop-up–whether it be iced coffee courtesy of the Kardashians (indirectly, of course) or a free face cleanser or treat from a major brand. My favorite experiences, so far, include: a delectable bingsoo (Korean frozen shaved ice with red bean dessert) which I enjoyed in Washington Square Park, strawberry pepper ice cream in Little Italy with my community, a warmed chocolate milk, lipstick, & rooftop truck DJ experience from Valentino in Chelsea, Krispy Kreme donuts at several locations for donning an excellent Halloween costume, and an eye makeup event at Ulta with photos next to Euphoria’s main makeup artist.
(Enjoying freebies at random NYC pop-ups, 2023)
(Free Krispy Kreme for costume, Astoria, 2023)
(Halloween hijinks @ free Hocus Pocus night, Astoria, 2023)
(Dat bingsoo, 2023)
(Washington Square Park, NYC, 2023)
Not to mention, I’ve only just entered into the cultural arts experiences scattered across the city. Especially with the support of lotteries and the NY Library Card Cultural Pass for residents bless. I participated in a filming of the Drew Barrymore Show as an audience member cue staged laughter and freebies, attended my first Broadway show (Kimberly Akimbo) with the wonderful organization ‘Retreat to Broadway,’ wandered through the Museum of Modern Art (MoMA) as well as PS1 location, solo and with friends, practically waltzed through the Macey's Thanksgiving Day Parade prep, enjoyed the architechture of the city by Astoria ferry boat, and witnessed the beauty of mosaic graffiti art by an old favorite French artist I first found in Ljubljana, Slovenia: Invader. Soon, I hope to engage in some more particular film tourism by visiting the Dash & Lily Netflix series’ spots, including the Morgan Library & Museum. And don’t forget the general holiday tourism spots! Cue the Bryant Park Christmas Market, Rockefeller Tree, Saks 5th Avenue Light Show, & much, much more!
(MoMA PS1, 2023)
(The Drew Barrymore Show Taping, NYC, 2023)
(Invader in NYC, 2023)
I’ve also had some very special reunions with good friends I’ve met in different corners of the globe and country. My mini adventures across the city are frequently solo but sometimes with friends. My weeks have been incredibly full–whether with activities, community chores, program tasks, work, or leisure. And throughout it all, I've been dealing with ongoing health challenges related to restricted breathing since I arrived, the worst health issues of my life! It's been a wild ride. I'm now craving & seeking to carve out some more familiar scenes and routines in the city; I've hit that phase for sure.
(Views from Astoria Ferry, 2023)
(Adventures to new vantages in NYC, 2023)
Being back in the U.S., and especially in NYC, I often find myself feeling like a hamster on a wheel. The hustle and bustle, already not aligned with my nature in recent years, is wearing on me a bit. It reminds me of many things. How a destination can be perceived as a global tourism destination vs an ordinary place of residence. It is experienced so differently depending on the hat you wear. And in some ways, I’m wearing both. How easy it is to be caught up in the daily grind, no matter where in the world you are. How important it is to dig in when presented with opportunities but also to know when to pace yourself. The balance is tricky, especially here. The highs can be so high, the lows exceedingly low. It’s standing in Central Park listening to music, people watching, and feeling like you’re in a movie. It’s the (not infrequent enough incidents) trudging up my subway station stairs next to my work while it’s slightly flooded in raw sewage. It’s seeing the opulence and luxurious lifestyle of a small percentage of this city’s residents while my students and so many growing up here and calling this place home have so few resources and limited access to so much. It’s such a mixed bag. It’s things changing and constant, familiar routines instilled and novelty coming up every week into your life. It can be a sensory overload. It’s easy to get burnt out or too tired to take on new experiences. Or conversely, to be too active and explorative in a way that leaves you scrambling. In my estimation, it really does carry that claim: If you can make it here, you can make it anywhere. It is in no way easy. But it has its challenges and rewards.
(Old haunts in Philly, 2023)
(Center City, Philadelphia, 2023)
I noticed a contrast when revisiting Philly recently, after 3 years. That knowledge that some cities, after living there for a half a year or more, can be more or less grasped, understood, familiar, contextualized. Not so with New York City, or not so fast or comprehensively. The curious thing about the city–there is just so damn much of it. All packed in. And the variety of experiences, people, energy, & amenities is endless! It makes one feel as if it is never to be grasped in full, only savored in part. You can feel so connected and on top of the world, or painfully lonely and lost in a crowd. It’s not single faceted. And honestly, that’s okay. It’s a humbling experience. And one I hope to bravely continue striving forward through as I embark on my remaining 7 months here. [I appreciate so much the many loved ones who have supported in many ways my being here to serve during this year. <3]
(The Big Apple, 2023)
(Finding magic in the little things, 2023)
(Mocktail of the year: Night Train
@ the work Christmas Party,
Brooklyn, 2023)
(First Coco since Qingdao, China in 2019; 2023)
I crave to have more free time, less work, more freedom and resources, less responsibilities and stress. But similarly to the paradox of getting to know this place, I think I will try to be okay with embracing my limitations, while still chasing the discernment of current and future dreams, and following the little joys in the midst of it all. In a means of closing this reflection, I'll share the words of my new favorite subway message from Poetry in Motion, that continually feels like an anthem to life here: “Conduct your blooming in the noise and whip of the whirlwind.” ~Gwendolyn Brooks
Best wishes to all during this holiday season! Happy touristing & savoring of places we call home!
~Amber
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